Home Work
We are 4 weeks in to the lockdown and adjusting to the new normal quite well.
I woke up this morning, feeling a little jaded from the Zoom pub quiz and accompanying drinks from last night and realised today is not going to be a productive day.
I’m angry at myself.
I’m trying really hard to spend these strange days as best as I can but this period of reflection has made me realise my isolation actually started many years ago. I run my own business, a creative events agency and have been working pretty much solo for the last 6 years, albeit with a business partner. I don’t work a conventional 9-5 day, just adhoc. I work efficiently when I have events and enjoy the time off in between. I’m not money hungry so the need for always bringing in new clients has skipped past me. I’m just happy with what I have.
It took me quite some time to adjust to this new lifestyle, after working in an office environment since I was 16. In fact it took me nearly 2 years. I would get up, sit at my desk at 9am, my laptop would be open, waiting for something to happen. I had no clear objective but as long as I was sitting at my desk until 5pm I thought that was fine. I had achieved something. In fact, I had achieved nothing.
Cut to 6 years down the line and my days are filled with some work, seeing like-minded friends and enjoying the sunny weather when we have it (I always have a great UK tan)
I’m on my own for most of the day. My partner leaves the house at 7.30 and gets home at 6pm. I have the house clean and tidy and dinner prepared. It’s the routine we are in but it works.
Since the events industry has taking a severe hit with Covid-19 I have even less to do. Yes I can speak to clients, yes I can speak to suppliers, venues etc, but we are all in the same boat. No one knows what the future is and we don’t know what this means for events, so what’s the point in discussing various scenarios, it’s a waste of breath and time as far as I’m concerned. Time that I could be spending refreshing my French, re-organising my cupboards and getting a tan. It’s me time.
What I am struggling with at the moment is a feeling of resentment from my partner about the lack of drive or motivation I have to do anything during the day. This is one sided as he has never said once that he resents me or what I do. He’s always been very supportive.
This, for me, started quite some time ago.
My partner is a go getter, he is in fact the brains behind all of our businesses. I’m the face you could say, as I don’t mind being the centre of attention and hold myself very well meeting new people and giving the impression I’m on top of the world as opposed to him who prefers to be the silent one. I come across very successful.
In reality I’m not, I feel vulnerable all the time about the future and to be honest scared.
My partner asks me every morning, “so what are you doing today’. In my head I am running through a list of random things that I could be doing but in theory these tasks will only take me up to about 11am and then I am done. I get a lot of manicures and pedicures.
The overwhelming sense of not achieving anything hit me. Stop asking me what I’m doing, I don’t need this pressure…. I do need this pressure.
I’m good when I’m told what to do, if you give me a list of tasks to do, I’ll do it.
On a holiday in Costa Rica we sat by the pool and discussed our future, where we wanted to be, and how we can get to it. We always have so many ideas but channelling them is the hardest part. My partner has lots of ideas, but rarely the time to follow through on them.
Days of conversation made me feel motivated.
When I got back the first thing I brought was a roll of paper that you can pull down and write on. I started to make lists. This is up on the kitchen wall and every week we set ourselves targets and achievements for that week. How many times we are going to work out, how many days we are allowing alcohol, what weight we want to be, what recipes we are going to prepare, what we want to achieve at work. It’s been great to focus the mind and with me being a visual person, I get great satisfaction in crossing off a task. It’s done. Yes! A good friend of mine once told me if you vision it, it will come. It seems to have worked for her, so why not me?
But the struggle is still there, when is it not.
But what do to with that struggle, I’ll sit and whine about it for a while, I’ll beat myself up. Actually, I won’t. I’m not going to let it consume me.
So the reality is, I started today feeling unproductive, but channelled that anger and frustration with myself into writing this blog. Incidentally writing a blog post was also on my kitchen task list. I can cross it off and have achieved something.
What I would like to convey is, yes we are isolating, isolated, social distancing, social distanced but we are all in this together. It’s not just me, I’m not unique in this, my family and friends all have similar issues, my neighbours do, actually everyone in the world has.
Me personally, writing my objectives down and having a list sets me on the right path for that week. I feel more focused, and maybe the sense of resentment I feel will pass soon. Being productive doesn’t necessarily mean you have to fill every minute of your day with physically doing something. That’s a pressure I feel we always put on ourselves, especially with being a man. There is always some stereotype we need to fit into.
My action points would be:
· Sit down and think
· Write a list of tasks and achievements you would like to accomplish.
· Don’t make them unachievable – you will only set yourself up for failure. Start small and build from there.
· Once you have your list, write them up on something large and visual, a roll of paper suspended in your kitchen or a white board, but make it visual.
· Look at them all the time
· Start achieving your goals
· Cross them off
· Feel good about it
The bigger picture is, there is always someone to talk to, someone you can reach out to, someone that would listen. Like you have. Listening and reading my words.
The Manalogue is here for you. Let’s talk.